Saint Sava (saint_sava) wrote,
Saint Sava

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After the Ordeal : First hyperinaccessible.

Growing up, our collective game of choice was Burger Ball, for which there exists only one officially sanctioned field: the 800 block of Aspen Drive in Tehachapi, California. Some background on the game and its rules is probably required: it derives its name from the plastic squeezy hamburger dog-toy used in the game, and to say that the game has rules is probably somewhat of an overstatement. I know of only three: the game must be played with two teams of approximately but not necessarily exactly equal manpower; the team that moves the burger into HIghway 202 (for the southern team) or the cul-de-sac south of what used to be Valley Foods (now Carniceria Michoacan) (for the northern team) scored one point; and the game must last one year, with the second half played between 11.30pm and midnight of New Year's Eve, and the first half played between midnight and 12.30am of New Year's Day. Although it was generally accepted that the team with the most points could justifiably consider themselves to be the victor, the existence of such a rule, though postulated, was never proved.

Beyond that, the game is a matter of personal interpretation, and cheating is factored into play, considered good form, and fundamentally necessary for victory. Hiding the burger under one's clothes so as to appear to be unburdened with it and walking towards your respective goal-line was to be expected; more effective players would bring multiple squeezy hot-dog dog-toys and throw them indiscriminately at players of either team or use the garden hose to spray the other team with the icy water.

The game is no longer extant, however, due to the meritorious victory of R., who distinguished himself as the Master Burger Ball Champion in 1991's game and extinguished any hope of future play by throwing the burger into the bed of a passing pickup truck.

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